There and Back Again

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.

~Frodo, Return of the King

At the end of the timeless tale of the Lord of the Ring (the film), the four hobbits return home. Dressed in the finest and riding tall on horses, they return to the quiet shire-- to suspicious on lookers, and things which have remained the same as the day they left. The four find themselves in a tavern drinking ale. They have no words, but their expressions and their eyes tell the story... how can you go back?

I think every transition is much like this, and for me returning to the states after a month in Europe is no different. Frodo's words echo in my head this morning as I sit down to try to put words to my exploding thoughts. There are so many entries I would like to finish-- to complete my journey. Final days in Paris, unexpected blessings, final goodbyes... how to sum up my French cuisine class on making Ratatoulie and Crepes with Virginie, standing in the light at St. Chapelle, my flight being cancelled, and a perfect last night in the city with Sam, Andre and Summer. I want to write-- to commit these memories to blog, yet, my heart is so full and the words won't come.

I haven't written many entries on this trip that are so fresh, so raw-- in the moment. Rather, I have mulled over what I want to say and then attempted to poetically (or not so poetically) capture the memory. For now, Frodo's quote stands. Of course, it is always good to come home, to return to friends and family and familiar sights, but can you really go back? I know I have changed, that entering back into life on the northshore, trying to pick up the threads of an old life is impossible. How do I take this last month and move forward into what is ahead? Where do I go from here?

Continued steps and the Way of Trust seems to be the only answer. My last night in Paris, Andre asked me, "What are you looking forward to in your return?" The simple answer, "my family, my cat, my church..." And this is all true, but what am I really returning to?? Uncertainty? Questions? Continued waiting? Saying goodbye to Summer, she said to me, "I think their are many stories that have begun during this month that are not finished." I agree. For me, Europe was the next step--the next thing. Though I have yet to understand why-- I don't need to... The whole trip was a gift, an unexpected blessing with surprises around every corner. How do you go back? Is it really a tale of "There and Back Again?" Or does going back require some sort of moving forward? These are unanswered questions and for me, the journey, the Way of Trust continues... Ruthless trust.